One Call
by ComicsCorner
Summary: Prequel to "If I asked you to stay." While on the run from HYDRA after the events of Winter Soldier, Bucky Barnes is living day to day without a clear plan and not sure what to do next. His mind is still a mess and his fears cause him stress and anxiety. So he seeks out Doctor Paige Hayes to help him. (Winter Soldier, Ultron and Civil War tie-ins) Before infinity chronicles
1. Starting Off

**(I haven't let you guys down yet so don't stop trusting me now!)**

It wasn't getting better his mind was still twisted around itself trying to force back memories that he really wanted to forget along with people of those terrible memories. Doing some research helped a little. At times it was difficult to imagine his life, at least about a life that he once had outside of Hydra. One where he was actually happy and had a sense of realism, but knowing more didn't mean he was free. Sargent Barnes as he now official knew himself as, kept constantly looking over his shoulder, something that he didn't think would have to happen.

He was once HYDRAS masked hunter, not anymore after their defeat in DC radio chatter had been silent no orders and there had been no indications for regrouping. He had a chance and took it, not sure what the outcome would be but he kept moving, that would be the best thing he could do. He was unarmed, unsure about the new world. It hadn't been HYDRAS job to educate him, it was to break the soldiers will for their own needs. But he was trained to blend in to go unnoticed all he needed was a change of clothes and to clean up the blood on him and no one gave him a second glance.

The soldier remembered for specific missions for mostly glamorous agents that worked for HYDRA as spies there were interesting materials hidden in plain sight across the globe. Fake IDs, passports, ammunition, credit cards you name it. Most of these items could not be falsified and the cards were untraceable so, for now, he didn't have to worry about starving or being cold and he didn't think he'd be flying on a plane as of right now but that would be the case soon not yet but soon. There's still so much he had to know and his best bet was to stay in DC. Waiting from place to place was much safer compared to stealing a car.

Bucky did most of his research at the public library, local universities and any place that had an open library and a quiet place for him to read. He had very few memories of what happened in the Potomac but remembered one face one recognizable face. His face, feelings faded mostly unfamiliarity and anger. He knew him, he KNEW that he KNEW him. Captain Rogers, he had read about him, learned of him. HYDRA never provided intel about his targets, the ex-assassin only needed to know who, where and when that was all he needed to know.

Other faces came and went, like those of the Howling Commandos followed by Rogers associates that helped track him down. The woman he fought in the streets reminded him a lot of the women from the Red Room program. How she fought and shot, it was all too familiar to him. He would work closely with some of those women or even had to kill one or two of them a few times. The soldier sat quietly at the small table in the corner of the cafe with a book open and eyes down. He really should stop stealing books from the library, he did make sure to give them back within a week. Not that anyone would notice, but he was doing good in small steps no matter how small. Once he had finished his coffee he quickly left the café. The sky had begun to rain moments before he left. His hands secured his hood over his head and slid the books back into his knapsack. The soldier was some ways from the abandoned Apartment Complex where he was currently living unbeknownst to anyone and he knew he'd be soaked by the time we got there. He had to find a way to get out of the rain temporarily maybe get a little bit more reading done before he worked out his newest schedule.

Too many of the buildings were already filled with people and shops were just about closing. It was a Sunday after all. Buck had managed to find that the local high school gymnasium back door was slightly open, a janitor must have forgotten to close it. Looking around, making sure that someone off the streets wasn't watching he ducked in the side door and quickly hid underneath the bleachers. Just sitting there for a moment taking deep breaths realizing that unwarranted fear was getting the better of him again, his chest felt tight and his breath was shorts. But he managed to stay calm. He nearly jumped up when he suddenly heard voices from the other side of the bleachers

"I'm graduating this year. And I've spoken to so many counselors at so many different universities and they're all telling me different things. People don't realize how much pressure and stress it puts on me if I make the wrong or right choice. You think something like this wouldn't matter. College is a college but it matters to so many people no matter what!"

Curiosity struck the soldier as he managed to squeeze his eyes between one of the gaps of the bleachers. He saw a small group of perhaps five people in a circle. The kids were clearly high school students different ages, races, and ethnicities. But the woman with them caught his eye most of all. She was tall or he assumed so because she was sitting. Her short hair was a very boy like style, short in the back almost to her scalp and a deep shade of brown. She had a very elegant face, it's something from an old photograph, her hair complimented the green blouse she wore and her skin was fairly pale.

"We all can relate to this. No matter what level we're at in life. Trust yourself, make yourself be in control. Take a moment and think about what you want to do. You shouldn't feel ashamed or afraid, this discomfort is part of your life now, but only you get to decide if you want to run from it or compromise and eventually conquer it." The lovely woman took a glance at her watch, that made a soft beeping sound then look up back to her students. "That's all our times today. I'll see you all next week don't forget about your exercises and email me if you need to." Everyone, please drive home safely." The students gather their things and then dispersed before saying goodbye to their instructor and one another. Buck stood perfectly still as he continued to listen until all he could hear was the lovely woman's heels on the gym floor. The room then became dark as the woman answered her phone. "Hey, it's Paige. How many are scheduled for tomorrow? That's all? No should be fine, I'm just heading home. Alright, thanks, Katie." She hung up and carefully stacked up the chairs before heading to the door with her purse and umbrellas. Buck held his breath when the book he had slid from his hand and hit the floor.

The woman froze at the door, only barely visible due to the floodlights. She didn't even try to investigate; the sound must have scared her too badly. She exited the gym quickly, locking the door behind her. Buck sank to the floor clutching his chest in relief. The rain continued on the tall skylight of the ceiling and lightning light the black sky. The soldier felt horrible for breaking the lock on the door but felt something strange when he followed and watch the lovely woman from a distance until she hailed a cab and sped off. He felt something, something that made him feel safe and secure which must have been the same feeling those kids had felt when speaking to her not too long ago. He felt calm.


	2. First Session

**The Washington Behavioral Assistance Clinic**

"Thank you so much Paige." A short, round woman thanked Doctor Hayes when she left her office.

"My pleasure Miss. Perry, you did very good today. I'll see you next week. Irma can set up your next appointment."

A low buzz came from her desk intercom. _"Paige, I've got a client on line three. Says he'd like to talk to you."_

"Thank you, Irma." Must be a referral, that was the case for many of the clinics regular visitors. It was nice to know that people trusted the staff and that they believed in their progress. Paige took the phone to open the line. "Hello this is Doctor Hayes; how can I help you today?" It wasn't surprising that whomever was on the line didn't speak at first, most people have a hard time. One would think that speaking over a phone line would be easier, no one can see your face, no eye contact to show fear. "Hello?" Still no reply could be heard, then suddenly only the sound of the dial tone. Based on experience Paige hung up the phone and waited patiently for it to ring again. "Back are we?" She spoke warmly when the phone rang again after a few moments.

"Sorry."

"Don't worry about it." Making sure to keep a calm tone was imperative. "You've been directed to me specifically for personal conditions. Are you looking to make an appointment?" There were moments in her career where Paige hated to sound so professional, if allowed she would be much more forward with her support but knew that all that would be far too overwhelming. "Are you a referral?"

He spoke anxiously as if he were annoyed. "I'd just like to talk." This wasn't uncommon for clients to feel shaken when they would call the clinic. Who ever he was he sounded pretty shaken. Despite knowing this Hayes remained calm.

"You're more than welcome to come to my office during business hours."

"I-" The ringing of the dial tone once again filled the office. Talking about personal struggles are one of the hardest thing in the world for anyone to talk about. Whether it's with anyone trustworthy or a total stranger the human mind is always at war with its mission to be at peace, but that isn't possible. Humans are meant to struggle and yet are meant to over come much more with the proper help. Paige knew that this man was in deep conflict with little to no way out. The sad but true reality of that was that the struggle would destroy him if he didn't seek out the help to save himself. Paige sat quietly at her desk, listening to the clock above her tick away. A smile grew on her lips when the phone rang again.

 ** _Next Day_**

 ** _Lincoln Memorial_**

"Doctor Hayes?" His voice sounded nervous when he spoke. Paige turned quickly to him, looking up to the figure from where she sat on the steps outside of the monument. Her ruby nail polished hands rested over her blue eyes, shielding them from the bright noon sun. He wore a blue V-neck button up under a deep grey zip up, his jeans were tucked into his heavy boots and a plain baseball cap rested in his head.

"Jim Epting?" The small woman rose from the bench to shake the hand of her new client. "It's wonderful to meet you." She wasn't at all what Bucky had imagined, he had only seen her through a small crack of the bleachers back at the school and before she left. She was taller than he originally assumed and she wasn't even wearing heeled shoes. Instead she wore a long sleeved deep blue, floral printed shirt with tan capris. Her loafers were the same shade as her short hair where a blue headband held back her bangs. Buck sat next to heron the massive steps as she pulled out a pad of paper. "I have to admit I love the location."

"Been here before?" This was undoubtedly a stupid question to ask seeing how she lived here.

"Many times, actually. I often come here to get inspired."

"For what."

She beamed at him then removed her glasses from their case, placing them on her face and clicking open her pen. "I'm here to speak with and guide you threw your ordeals Mr Epting. My personal life can wait." Buck quickly became nervous, not sure of what would happen next. "I'd like to know what brought you to my clinic. So, tell me Jim, how can I help you?" He was afraid to say anything at first, taking his time to think it all over. Paige was taught in her profession to be patient and understanding with her clients, to make them feel comfortable as well as safe.

"It's hard to talk about. Some of it isn't…. not pleasant"

"I'm here to listen and help, not judge." His eyes didn't look to hers when he spoke, only staring at his gloved hands. "You've served?"

"How did you know?"

"Honestly, it was just my best guess. And you don't look like the kind of guy who has an addiction problem." Buck couldn't believe he was laughing, he hadn't done that in such a long time. "Am I way off?" The Doctor grinned, hoping that she hadn't insulted her new client.

"No, you're actually right on. Yeah, I've served."

"Great, off to a good start." She laughed jotting down notes. "I'm warning you right now, no telepathy jokes."

"You don't like them?"

"Let's just say that my sister makes enough bad therapy jokes as it is."

"Point taken." Hayes may have not wanted to share her history with Barnes right away, but in the past six minutes he's already learned that she has a sister and isn't too keen on certain puns targeted towards her profession. Bucky exhaled deeply, staring down at his feet wanting to get the session over with so that his fear shattering nerves would calm. "I….I have trouble remembering things. Sometimes I can't tell the difference between what's real and what use to be." In all her years of therapy Paige had only encountered a few Vets, some of which were easier to help than others.

"How often does this happen?" The pen she held scribbled more notes.

"More often than I'd like."

"How do you feel when this occurs, what do you see?"

"Its not so much seeing as it is remembering. I don't hallucinate, my memory just kicks into high gear. I feel constricted, like I can't breathe. Everything feels like it's moving so much faster than it's supposed to." Paige was all to familiar with that feeling. The crushing feeling of dread that grew in her chest, how small and afraid it would make her feel.

"You feel so strange inside your own body, right?" Bucky knew that he should be giving her more credit, Paige seemed to have a clear understanding of what he was talking about. "How long were you in service?"

"Close to five years. My fath…my grandfather served in back in the forties. His plane was shot out of the sky." That was close, he had to be more carful when putting his story in place. George Barnes had served back in 1914 and had been killed short after 42.

"My grandfather served too. Hunter Conrad the 107th Infantry Regiment." Bucky couldn't believe what she had said. He thought long and hard, trying to remember a Hunter Conrad. That regiment alone was so massive, it was hard to keep track of every soldier. "Why did you go into service?"

"Wanted to make things better than they were." That was the heartfelt truth. Bucky was an openminded soldier and had never been afraid to play his part. "Felt the need to play my part. The rest of the family did, guess this was my way of saying thank you."

"Wish I was that brave." Paige replied, her eyes shifted to the dog tag bracelet around her wrist. "I guess it would be stupid to say that you haven't lost friends?"

The power of hesitation overcame Barnes again. He adjusted his cap as he gazed out at the fine scenery before him. Appreciating every detail of peace and beauty, other things that he had never been allowed to see during his time on ice and under HYDRAS control. "Yeah, too many."

"We don't have to-"

"Thank you." The soldier didn't mean to cut her off but didn't want to hear her finish.

The Doctor already had a method in mind, something new that she wanted to test. "I want you to think about what you had with you during those days. Anything specific that anchored you to that time. Find something to keep with you anchored to this point in time. That way whenever you feel panicked or unsure hold onto the anchor and remember where you are."

"What kind of anchor?"

"Whatever you like, doesn't have to be anything specific, just pocket sized."

"do you think that will help?" Buck sounded hopeful for a moment.

"I dunno, how about you tell me next week?" It was hard to believe that the hour had passed so quickly. Already Bucky was feeling a sense of relief rushed over him, it was like he could breathe normally again. "If you're interested, I hope you'll at least consider."

Barnes slung his backpack over his shoulder again after getting back to his feet. "I'll think about it." All of this seemed to go better than expected, maybe another session wouldn't hurt him. After all the mental abuse it was rewarding to have some positive reinforcement for a change.

"Only one call away." Hayes said, handing her client her business card. "Have a good afternoon Mr. Epting." The feeling Buck had when he first saw Hayes back in the gym had returned. This was a risk and he knew it, he shouldn't be exposing himself like this. He had gotten too comfortable, that should have been a clear sign to pack up and leave. Bucky pushed the thoughts out of his head and made his way straight back to his hiding place, to pick up on his reading and to find his anchor.

 ** _(Finally got it rolling, thanks for being patient. Also, if anyone has an idea for a possible anchor for Bucky let me know. Promise to update soon.)_**


	3. How we spend our free time

Bucky's past two months of hiding had forced him on a strict regiment. Only spending so much time out in public, avoiding areas of surveillance was harder but manageable. The abandoned apartment complex where he was staying provided him with enough privacy and security. There was a hole in the complex that led to the basement, Buck had set up camp there, no one was likely to stumble upon him. There were only a few small windows that he blocked with paper. A sleeping bag laid in a corner next to a pile of books. Switching on the light next to his bed he reviewed his homework, most of his free time was spent researching whatever he could. He hated being on his own, missed having people to rely on, people who could help him. He shivered, remembering how cold it was down there. Turning on his small heater full blast ensure he wouldn't freeze. Second-hand clothes were the only things that were easy to afford and most nights Buck would just sleep in them. He didn't have much in terms to eat and three-gallon jugs of water rested near the novels. Food was added to the list of things to pick up when he'd go shopping tomorrow. That trip would cut into daytime walkabouts, perhaps that was for the best, he would be moving entirely soon. Since the DC incident both SHIELD and HYDRA secrets had been leaked onto the internet, including everything Winter Soldier related. A lot of that information was being hidden by the government to their advantage, so far nothing concerning him had popped up, but that didn't mean that it was impossible. The soldiers reading material for the night consisted of newspaper articles from the past twenty years and a history textbook he borrowed from the library. Rereading each passage and taking notes helped keep track of all the history he's missed. Three journals had already been filled with personal notes and family history that Bucky was able to remember on his own if he was ever put back under by HYDRA, he would fight to make sure that would never happen again. Certain things came back more fluently like where he was born, his friends, parents, and siblings, most of which must have been all long gone by now. Most nights he found himself praying for and missing them more and more every day. He couldn't even imagine what they would have thought about everything he had done. If it were up to him he would have chosen to die when he fell into that dark cavern. Yet all that didn't feel right, there must have been a reason for his survival, his suffering, pain, trauma. He was meant to do something, he just didn't know what yet. Most of the stuff he had with him was from the basement lockers that were slightly still filled even after the place had been condemned. Many of them carried porch furniture and tables which he used while others held more basic essentials that he wouldn't have to worry about paying for yet such as soap, old clothes, towels, and toothpaste. The faint dripping of running water fell across the floor. The buckets that were set under the cracks in the ceiling to catch rainwater were filled to the brim. The soldier quickly stripped down and emptied the content of one bucket over his body, drenching him. "Ssssshit." Buck shuttered every time from the cold water It was far from dignified but was all that could be done at the moment.

Bucky twirled the card that Paige had given him while listening to the news on his pocket radio after drying off and changing into a warm hoodie and jeans. Many news channels were still discussing the incident, he remembered most of it even when the mind control had worn off. After he had saved Rogers he set out on his own and had been hiding ever since. _"We've discussed this before and honestly I'm sick of going over it."_ One reporter groaned. _"SHIELD is the new HYDRA. No organization with that much power, influence, and resources just flies under the radar to other interested parties."_

 _"It's like insider trading except with guns and nationwide crippling secrets."_

 _"Even the best can be pulled down to the bottom. Did these people honestly not think about security risks?"_

It was hard to argue with any of them. SHIELD had been compromised from the inside and so far, weren't doing a great job of trying to explain themselves. They had been blindsided and never saw it coming. " _I can't be the only one who doesn't feel safe right now. Who's to say that anyone we know isn't affiliated with HYDRA? Shit we already know that police here in DC are working for them."_

Another man who had a more openminded outlook spoke his mind. " _Divide and concur seems to have been a part of their plan that they didn't think through. No side won this fight, not SHIELD or HYDRA. And here we sit, questioning everyone we know like paranoid I don't even know what."_

 _"The people we trusted to protect us turned out to be the enemy. I don't know how many of you boys read the interviews from Capital Hill, but Agents Romanoff of SHIELD confirmed her involvement both for and against HYDRA. What gives her the right to operate?"_

 _"She's not wrong about us needing people like her though."_

 _"Think you're all a bunch of-" Buck_ turned the dial to a classical music channel. He had his fill of listening to these ass's bicker instead of trying to think of solutions. They were only interested in adding to the conflict.

After his observation at the gym, he researched Doctor Hayes and the clinic she worked for. Turned out Paige also worked with Sam Wilson who worked for the same clinic. If Hayes knew him maybe she could provide some more information on Roger. He would just have to be careful about how he moved forward. It was after midnight when Buck checked his watch. Before climbing into his sleeping bag, he placed his reading materials and notebooks back into his backpack. The radio was usually kept on to help him sleep, he hated the quiet when he would sleep. He hated quiet in general.

 ** _Earlier that evening_**

The human condition is comprised of many unique features and is never the same for anyone. Paige had always found it helpful to relieve the stress of her human condition by focusing her mind on certain things. "A little higher, Julio." She called down from her rig. Julio did as told and lifted her rig higher in the air. Paige sat in the basic seat position on her aerial hoop, friends watched from below in anticipation. She breathed sharply when she fell back and caught herself by her bare ankles around the hoop.

"Wonderful, Hayes!" A green haired woman applauded from below.

"What is, Indie?" She giggled, gripping the hoop tightly and removing her feet so that she only dangled in midair. "Me or the trick?"

"Got nice legs honey." Indie replied with a smile, moving back to her own rig, followed by Eryn. No one would think that being 10 feet off the ground and only being held up by a hoop rig with no harness was a way to unwind, but for Paige Hayes, there is nothing better. She felt free up there and she loved how aerial dancing was a little far out in terms of a regular hobby. "I say we take up pole dancing next."

"Hell no!" Paige said angling her body upward grabbed the sides of the hoop to return to sitting position. "I do not have the confidence for that." The dance studio was fairly big for the acrobatics that the patrons were doing, from bellow people could watch from the lobby of the studio.

"Honey, I just said you have nice legs, work that little girl body!"

"We'll go to Vegas sometime and appreciate real pole dancers." Eryn chuckled as she performed open Delilah on her hoop, her light hair dangling close to the floor. "Watcha girls got planned for the weekend?" She asked, batting her eyelashes when her body rested in mermaid position. She asked this as if she had something more devious than Vegas in mind.

"Eryn, we get that the whole world loves you and we're sad and lonely." Indie teased sarcastically. "you don't need to remind us."

"Actually, Indie you'll be the only sad and lonely one tonight."

Eryn gasped at Paige as she hung from her hoop with one leg. "Oh my god you got other friends, didn't you?" Their laughter filled the studio. Julio helped Paige down by lowering the rig.

"It's Friday, which means drinks with Wilson."

"Wish we could come, honey." Eryn handed Paige her bag as the three made their way to the locker room.

"We'll be together Sunday for Sandra's baby shower." Paige removed the lock from her locker and grabbed her phone to check her messages. She only had one missed call and four email updates from her clinic and a magazine subscription ad. She scrolled through her recent calls roster and dialed Sam W "Hey, sorry I missed your calls. I'm at aerial right now."

 _"Just wanted to make sure you're still on for drinks tonight."_

"Of course." Friday nights were along time tradition with Wilson along with their friends. Wilson has known Hayes for close to nine years and had helped her through a lot. "Just give me half an hour?"

 _"See you there girly."_ Friday nights were always the best part of the Doctors week. Her Apartment wasn't too far from the aerial dancing studio. Her dog Tanzy greeted her the name way she always did whenever the Doctor returned home. Tail wagging the German Shepard no longer felt lonely in the apartment.

"Hello, sweet girl. Were you good today?" Tanzy followed her into the bathroom when she turned the shower knobs on and watched her human roommate fix her hair. One of the many pluses of really short hair was the fact that it didn't take long to dry. "Wanna help me out?" The dog's ears perked up when Paige retrieved some clothes from her closet of various colors and styles. Tanzy always did have a very keen sense of style even for a dog. She turned down five alternative outfits before both agreed on a dark blue, long sleeves voodoo vixen dress. "Good choice sweetie," Paige said, looking herself over in the mirror. "We make a good team." Before long the doctor was out the door and making her way to the streets. She didn't have far to walk, she preferred to walk most places rather than take public transportation. There was a small chill in the air, but the doctor didn't mind. It was supposed to be warm tomorrow afternoon, perfect for a walk with Tanzy.

"Hey, beautiful." Sam greeted his friend when she approached their usual table up front. "You look very pretty."

Paige hugged him tightly after setting her purse on the table. "Thank you. You look very nice too. Whoever picked out your shirt has great taste." Paige teased him like a little sister. Both knew that shirt was a gift from her a few years back. Wilson always admired her playful tone.

"Alright fashionista." Wilson chuckled kissing her cheek and guiding her to her seat next to him. "So how was your day?"

"I'm sure yours was ten times more exciting." Sam had been kind enough to tell Hayes the truth about his involvement with the DC incident and his working with Captain America. That was all he told her, nothing more. The less she knew the better.

"Just starting off small at the moment. You know arms dealers, war criminals."

"That's small stuff?" Sam handed her a Sangria. "Whatever it is, I just want you to be safe."

Sam never once questioned his decision to get back into the fight. "Don't worry, I promise I will be."

"What's he like in person?" The doctor asked, clearly referring to Cap.

"At first…not so intimidating."

"Really?" That was shocking all on its own.

"It's nice to have a guy who can speak from the same experience." Paige knew all about Riley, Sam's wingman. It must have been easier to connect with people that shared something as heroic as service. Regardless she was happy that Sam had found someone to work with again.

"So, what's the suit like, to be so high up?" Just thinking about the feeling made her whole-body electric, like the drop one would feel on a roller coster.

Sam thought over the question for a moment before answering. "It feels like…it feels so terrifying that it's actually amazing. There's just so much room."

"That's incredible. You need to take me up there one day."

"You wouldn't be scared?"

"I guess me dangling myself on a hoop sometimes more than 10 feet off the ground is stupid to compare to what you do."

"You don't have to have a flight suit to hang with me."

"I know that Wilson." Paige laughed before taking another sip of her drink. "Never change, not for anything or anyone."

"I'll drink to that." The two exchanged happy cheers with their drinks. "Don't you change either." The remainder of the evening was spent with good company and laughter. DC had undergone a major terrorist threat that had shaken the country, but it was peaceful nights like these that ensured that they would live on. Not be crippled by fear and paranoia.

"Ma'am." Sam bowed to his friend when they walked out of the bar together.

"Such a gentleman." Paige complimented, taking her friend's arm to escort her back home.

 _ **(Really wanted to show the contrast between Paige and Bucky. Hope you enjoyed, drop me a review if so)**_


	4. Two By Two

It had been almost a week when Buck called again, he was very hesitant at first but realized that he had felt better after speaking with Hayes. Something about her kept bringing him back. It was the same feeling he had when he first saw her in the gymnasium, he felt safe.

"I'm surprised to see you again." The doctor smiled when he sat next to her in the same spot they had first met. His dark jacket was zipped up and covered his mouth at times when he sank into it.

"Why's that?" Buck asked, pulling his hood over his head.

"A lot of people don't come back after their first session."

"You're that bad huh?" Teasing Paige seemed to put the soldier's nerves to rest for the moment.

"No." She laughed and appreciated the fact he didn't take that comment as a sign to run.

"Why don't they come back?"

"They usually don't like the reality of what I say to them. They say I'm wrong or they think I can't help them…..breaks my heart sometimes."

"I'm sorry." Hayes only shook her head at him. Her eyes gazing up at the cloudy sky above them. She zipped up the high color of her coat when the wind picked up.

"Good advice is always certain to be ignored, but that's no reason not to give it." She then turned back to Barnes smiling. "How have you been feeling?"

Bucky didn't know how to properly answer that. He remembered his restless night and remembered the dreams that kept him awake. Doing a little reading managed to help him doze off for a few hours. "Having trouble sleeping mostly. My anxiety keeps me awake."

Paige nodded as she clicked open a pen. "What do you think about that keeps you up at night?"

The nervous soldier rubbed his gloved hands together, thinking back. "I dunno." Sometimes not knowing the causes right away was normal. There was nothing that could have kept him up at night than the horrors that plagued his mind.

"Have you ever had a panic attack before or is it only anxiety?"

"No…both. I've had attacks before." Thinking back to his time was the first thought of when he had an attack not too long ago. "They come without warning."

"They often do." Buck noticed that Paige said this with a sense of familiarity in her voice.

"You familiar in this area?" She softly nodded again her eyes on his, trying to connect. Trying to perhaps reassure him that he wasn't alone in this strange new experience.

"A little." Her gaze returned to her notepad. "Have you tried to-"

"Tell me more about it." Buck blurted out, his interests getting the better of him.

Paige froze along with her pens motions. She then chuckled when her lips curled into a grin. "I know that you're new to therapy, but this isn't how it works." Her skin shivered when she felt a single raindrop on her face. "Do you mind walking and talking?" She asked.

"Not at all." Barnes replied, helping the doctor to her feet.

The crowds around the monument had quickly dispersed to seek cover. The doctor didn't seem to mind at all while the soldier thought back to the cold rainy nights during his time in both the trenches and his HYDRA related escapades. "Do you mind telling me about your family Jim"

There had been times when James tried not to think about his family. They were all gone or at least had moved on from the life when he had known them best. It would be better for all of them for him to never interfere with their lives. "They..." He began shakenly, thinking the story or rather the lie over carefully. "They live in Romania. My mother and sisters work at a fabric store." Buck thought back to the job his mother shared with Sarah Rogers before she had left to use her nursing practice for the war effort. "My father flew planes for the air force." Bucks' voice softened when he thought back to his father. "He got shot down a few years ago." Despite hearing things similar to this every day, the news of such unthinkable events always saddened the Doctor. "I just need some distance from them for a little while." Over 90 years of distance had already been unintendedly accomplished.

"Do you have family in DC?"

"Close friends actually." The soldier quickly lied again. "They don't really understand what I'm going through."

Paige nodded, thinking of a method to perhaps help her client "I want you to keep a notebook with you. Use it to keep track of what might cause you to panic." So far James had only kept records of what he's learned of himself. He didn't even think about keeping a personal diary. Maybe the idea of doing so didn't seem so clichéd and at this point, he was willing to try anything he could.

Paige opened her umbrella to shield them both from the rain. "You have anxiety, don't you?"

The doctor paused in her tracks. Barnes was a few feet ahead of her, just watching where she stood. "A long time ago." She finally said when Barnes walked beside her again. "I've been a lot better recently." They stopped at a crosswalk. "It's always easier to connect with people when you understand what they go through." Barnes could tell that she wasn't going to cave. He admired that.

"How long have you lived in DC?"

"Close to nine years. I use to live in California."

"Why come here?"

"My grandfather grew up here." Paige replied when the walk cleared for them to cross. "Plus, I love the history." Paige quickly changed the subject back to her patient who was the subject of their meetings after all. "Have you found your anchor yet?"

Barnes shook his head in disappointment. "I'm working on it."

"There's no need to rush. Moving at your own pace is important." Buck knew that. He was still getting his handle on the new world he was a part of. He had so much to juggle at one next to finding himself, fixing his mind, reading about the 21st century and all the while keeping a low profile. And now there was the thought that he had endangered Hayes. "You know you still haven't told me who referred you to my clinic."

"No one did." He acted without thinking, that was stupid. "I actually saw you at the high school. You were talking to a group of kids." Paige smiled when she saw the soldier's cheeks flushed. Her heart began racing in her chest as the continued their walk. "I liked the way you spoke to them."

"I was like them when I was their age. Felt very afraid of what the future held. Sometimes the world is so harsh in its realities." Thinking back on it Bucky never thought about worrying about the future he assumed that he would either of die during the war or would have met someone and settled down and live out his days in New York. He knew that when he was under HYDRAS influence. After all, he wasn't living he was trapped wounded couldn't escape his sub big supplication. He had been struggling for a way out until he had received one from SHIELD. At times it almost felt unreal like a dream he was slipping in and out of constantly just like when he was under brainwashing nothing felt real felt distant cold I have time had never existed at all he had lived through the world as an immortal killer who changed everything just to please his creators. "How do you spend your free time?"

"Reading mostly." That one activity seemed to always be real.

"That's an effective tool, keep the mind open and accepting" The truth was that Barnes found himself becoming angrier every day and who should he be? His life was stolen along with his sanity. "Like how anger can be productive." It was as if Hayes was reading his mind, but then again, she was a trained professional and he wasn't the first man she had tried to save.

"So, it's normal to be angry?"

"Being angry is normal. Beyond normal it's necessary, a necessary part of life. But there are ways for you to use it correctly. Anger can motivate you, but first you have to embrace it then know how to deal with it properly, I assume you're coming to me is how you're choosing to deal with it?"

The soldier's hands slinked to his pockets. "Mainly."

"How was your behavior when you came back from overseas?"

He paused when he looked back at Paige. "You don't think I'm crazy, do you, Doctor Hayes?"

Her blue eyes locked on his when this question escaped from his mouth asked. Her expression almost appeared hurt when she leaned in closer to her friend. "Very few of us are what we seem." Paige didn't know why she said that. Her throat became tight when James looked at her with such a kindness that she hadn't seen before in anyone.

"But surely for everything you have to love you have to pay some price."

Hayes couldn't believe her ears when the soldier spoke. "You read poetry?"

"I read Agatha Christie," Buck smirked.

"Even better."

Buck remembered reading a lot of Christie's work in high school. He had developed a much deeper respect for her when he got older. "My mother read a lot of her work." He had managed to swipe quite a few copies of the author's books to add to his daily reading.

"It's memorizing, I was studying literature when I was in college, but sadly had to change my major."

"Parents didn't approve of your choice?"

"That was part of it. The other part is that the world has seemed to have given up on dreamers." What could she have meant by that?

"So, if you don't think I'm crazy then what do you think I am Doctor?"

Bucks back pressed against the glass of a bus stop shelter when his doctor asserted her dominance by leaning in close again to keep his attention. There was something about those gorgeous eyes that made his entire body weak. "I know you're not a victim. Victims don't want to do anything to fix their misery, but you Mr. Epting want to regain consciousness and rejoin the world." The way the young woman spoke to him was incredible, she was so sure of the things she said. "I don't see you as a victim so I hope you'll see me as someone to always confide in." The soldier beamed at the Doctor with pure sincerity on his face. The journey ahead of him would be a difficult one painful and lonely but piece by piece memory by memory day by day eventually it would get better this was a guarantee at least he hoped that would be the case.


	5. Different kinds of Love

At first, all Bucky could hear was a heartbeat. He wasn't sure if it was his or someone else's. The next sound to become know was breathing…heavy breathing which he was sure now was his own. He didn't understand why, but he was happy, safe even. He then felt human contact that wasn't his own against his skin. The hands that brushed against his chest were feminine and much softer compared to his rough ones. He inhaled sharply, his hands resting against the figures back, she giggled when the soldier's lips pressed against her throat. Barnes entire body was trembling, but in a way that made him feel secure. His chest heaved as she moved against him, dancing on top of him. Bucky's heart rate continued to race, increasing every couple of seconds. His titanium arm tightly gripped the woman's waist. There was so much love in her eyes, her lips were gentle against his, he hadn't been kissed in so long, hadn't felt this happy in even longer. His lips curled when she whispered his name, her hands intertwining with his. Her breasts pressed against his chest, James's heartbeat rose faster and faster as she moved against him. Her lips rested on his body, the pleasure inside him grew, he felt so at peace until….

James woke in a cold sweat, everything inside of him was in overdrive. He sat up in his makeshift cot trying to catch his breath. It took the soldier a moment to remember where he was. Unfortunately, it was nowhere pleasant. He was still in his makeshift home in the basement of the abandoned apartment complex. His small pocket radio was playing some calming, slow jazz. Barns entire body was shivering, he reached for his hoodie, zipping it up and resting the hood over his head. Barnes chuckled for a moment then burst out laughing. This was the first time in months that he hadn't woken up from a nightmare, instead he was having a vivid sex dream of a stranger…..at least he thought it was a stranger at first. He smiled, picking up his watch and securing it around his right wrist, the time was a quarter after eight. James opening his notebook, flipping through the pages to see where he had last left off. He often kept notes on the dreams he would have, good or bad. He adjusted the radio setting to find a news channel. When one without a heavy amount of static was found, he continued his morning reading while he jotted down notes. He would meet Hayes again in a few hours for another session. It had been seven months since his very first session. There were times when things felt like they were getting better….slowly. Paige kept telling him that it would be a slow prosses for him, but not impossible. Bucky clicked his pen vigorously as he read through the university textbook he borrowed a few days ago and returned to a familiar section….a familiar history of his or at least part of it. He had fought one of the greatest wars in history and had made incredible allies, faces, and names that he was beginning to remember piece by piece. He had learned so much in such a short amount of time, he would be leaving DC soon to head for Romania to look for his family. He wasn't even sure of what he would do if he found them, but they were alive. The news channel was reporting on the clean up that was still being done in the Platonic. While he listened, he began his set of breathing and relaxation exercises that were recommended to him by Hayes. He laid on his back, allowing himself to become comfortable while he calmly breathed in and out an allowing his mind to become at peace. Memories or at least what he could remember of the good times were the replacements for those of the bad. His eyes then sadden when memories of his family washed over him. Names came and were gone in an instant like bad dreams. James turned on his side and tried to calm himself, forcing himself not to cry.

* * *

"You've been busy lately." Paige said to Wilson when she met him outside the clinic. The soldier had just wrapped up another session. The poor guy looked exhausted. Sam had been hard at work with Cap and he had been telling her a lot about his missions. Hayes had been kind enough to leave meals for him in his place for whenever he would be away longer than intended. "Haven't seen you much at work."

"Been busy with Cap." He replied. "I'm gonna get fat because of you." He joked, looking at the small basket of homemade pastry's that she had assembled for him.

"You'll burn it off in two hours, plus you'd be sick and skinny without me." Hayes had told Wilson about her sessions with Epting, she had thought that it would be a good idea for him to speak with the current ex-soldier, he would be able to provide some very welcome insight. Wilson was much more qualified to speak with him. "Maybe you should take a break if it's waring you down."

Sam smiled, placing a kiss on Paige's cheek. "I'm fine really." He reassured her. "I'm glad I've got you taking care of me." The pair walked arm in arm down the busy streets. Sam's place wasn't far where he had dinner waiting for the two of them. After all the kind work that Paige had done taking care of his house while he was away, it was the least he could do for her.

"With how well you cook it's a mystery you're still single."

Sam clutched his chest pretending to be in pain. "Oh, stop you sound like my mom."

"Come on." Paige teased, pinching his cheek. "You're a catch." She played the part of a fawning young girl comically well.

Wilson chuckled at her remark. "You're silly."

He had to admit how impressed he was with how clean the place was. Hayes had gone all out to make it presentable. While she set the table Sam switch on Marvin Gaye from his phone. Paige instantly began tapping her feet to "Got to give it up." One of her favorites. She danced around the kitchen so smoothly while she sang along

"And I'm havin' a ball. Long as you prove it. There's always a chance Somebody watches I'm gonna make romance." She wasn't the greatest singer in DC let alone the world, but it was pleasant to hear. "With your body, ooo baby, you dance all night. Get down and prove it, feel all right." Wilson joined in the dance, taking Paige's hands and gliding with her around the room. Sam had once thought that he loved Paige when in reality he loved the presence of a friend or a sister who he could love without romantic interests. And she felt the same way. The vigorous dance then steadied to a slow sway. Paige rested her head against Sam's shoulder while his left secured around her waist. "I wish I could do more." She finally said after a long amount of silence. There were times and times again when she had feared for her friend's life more than she cared to remember. Paige had never lost a friend before, she never wanted that to start with Sam.

Sam smiled to her reassuringly. "You being here is enough." Paige wasn't so sure. The world has become more dangerous with every day that passed and year that followed it. "You're my support for when things get rough." Paige managed a smile when he said this. She felt so blessed that he trusted her enough. He would always be there to take care of her, the same went for him. "Love ya, Hazy."

"Love you too, Bird boy."


End file.
